2004-01-20 - 3:53 p.m.

Sorry I was totally jamming out! Well school is over for the day. I had pscyh and art history, they both appear to be rather interesting classes. I think I might have taken up a new interest in Educational Psychology. It sounds like something I might want to do. Hmmm I might want to take that into consideration, I don't know, let's see if I can get throught the class first.

I'm thinking about life you know? When the hell don't I? I'm thinking that I"m tired soo very tired of living it like I'll have it forever. I'm not. I believe that when its time its time and you're gone in an instant. Just one of the many horrible beauties of this astranged world we all live in. I'm tired so very tired of not living for myself and wanting only to please everyone. Why? I'm not sorry for wanting to be happy, I'm not sorry for wanting to experience the world, and I am not sorry for wanting only to be myself. Hmph, I love everyone, I have never denied anyone my friendship and kindness, I have always done my best to be open to everything that has come my way and I have been suckered into some of the worst situations but it made me so much stronger. I've become so much more stable in my unknown position in this existence you know? I have so many tweaks in my being that there is so much more I need to find so much more I need to experience and so much life I need to intake.

I'm stubborn, not always as open as I should be, sarcastic and at times a bitch... a lot of the time I dont' realize I'm doing these particular things. I have to work on that tremedously I suppose. How can I be a good partner, a good girlfriend, if I can't be open. Only sometimes I don't know what's going on in my head to the point where there's nothing I can say about it, most of the time when its like that I usually use to write, but lately I haven't been doing that either, I don't really know why but I suppose I should do that again, it always made a little more sense to form a block of words that came from what's around me. Kris, I don't mean to make you feel shut out...I am really working on that really I am. I think she's the only one who knows everything about me, knows drea, the person and not the daughter, niece, sister, cousin, grandchild ect. I like that, I like that I can just be drea and she won't give a shit about why or how I think, I mean judgementally speaking. I want to answer her question, her wonders, I want her to know but I dont' see anything that I hold back from her. I'm not a mystery, I don't hide anything from her, hmph. You know what? maybe I hide stuff from myself? Maybe I don't uncover things so that way they dont' come to me... Maybe there's something I need to look for. I mean I don't know, that could be, but how did I do that? how did I hide from myself? I know it's possible but ... hmmmm. Something I really need to work on then huh?