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2004-01-19 - 9:21 p.m. I am confused about my personal day today. There was a strange turn of events and I hadn't a clue on what to make of it. I mean I really felt lost and maybe a bit helpless in the whole situation. One moment there was a smile and then the next ba, no more smile. I mean I honestly understand about bad days, days when you're overwhelmed with your "what the fucks" and "why"s about your life and I do i really do understand that sometimes you need your own space just to level yourself. I don't know why it was so strange though. I don't see what happened. I mean yes i felt bad about the whole pushing me away thing but I understand the reason why and I gave her the space I thought she wanted. I also felt a little bad that I couldn't make her feel good, I couldn't make her smile it made me feel useless you know. She said "i don't expect you to" and I know that, I just wanted to be able to, I wanted to make her happy to take her mind away, but I guess I didn't have what she needed for that moment, and honestly I truly understand that, but I don't know what happened. I dont' know why I felt I had to cry, I just don't know...I do know this doesn't make sense and is probably a huge contradiction, but what else do I have to offer but my own confusion you know? She wrote a poem today and shared it with me, but I was so clouded with confusion I didn't know what to think about it, in her journal she said something about "there is such a thing as a bad poem", but I didn't think it was bad at all and I found her words interesting, it was just the first time I didn't understand, because I didn't know what she was feeling, I mean I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm just selfish. *shrugs* maybe I was just not thinking. I really don't know. I'm thinking I'm probably making things bigger than what they are. I'm thinking I probably made things worse than what they already were. I'm thinking that I need to stop... stop what? I don't know.I'm thinking so much yet nothing comes to mind... if that makes any sense at all to anyone! Oi...well I'm hoping today was just a silly day and tomorrow will be better! oi! one day I'm going to write the different "oi" definitionshmph, I wasn't going to write, but I needed to write, I haven't written in forever now, I haven't rambled in ages and I'm ready to come back. I haven't had clear enough jumbled fragments to write ...if that makes sense... lol I know it doesn't nothing ever does huh? I use to think it did, really I did think it. *shakes fist at confused self* hehe Until next time my fellow readers (if any) *increase the peace*
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