2004-01-01 - 5:11 a.m.

Anywho, I just kinda drank the night away. I was pulled from my room and taken to another location. I just kind of sat around as they all cluttered about and laughed and talked. I just sat there drink in hand, thinking "i shouldn't be here I should be with her" There were so many times I wanted to cry, so many times I wanted to just bust out in tears, but i took a sip bit my lip and gazed at them as they talked about past memories and the new baby. They saw I wasn't being jolly ol' Drea. They kept on asking what was wrong with me and the little ones kept trying to put a smile on my face and they kept trying to feed me hehe typical in a mexcian family especially when they think something's wrong with you. I just kinda stared, was just kinda there. Kept having my spacing off moments and she would pop into my head. I had my cousin buy me some fuzzy navels cause she told me she was drinking that and plus, it's my drink. I wasn't very talkative, not like usual and that made them wonder. But I didn't care much. I rubbed the belly to feel the baby kick and smiled at that cause well its a baby... anyway. Eleven came around and I went out back and I thought about her...it was 12 there. I drank the last of my drink... and the little ones found me and pulled me up front to watch them light their fireworks. i still sat there. opened a fuzzy and watched the different colors in the sky the smoke filling my eyes and the loud bangs and pops and the heat. I closed my eyes and thought about her, thought about the night that was suppose to be ours. Then everyone came outside, everyone came for the countdown. My gma sat next to me put her arm through mine, a fragile, small aged woman, she hung there on my arm and told me she wished she had someone there like all her kids had their husbands or wives or boyfriends or gfriends, I took a sip and said, gee me too, and passed over my bottle so she could have a sip.

I wanted to just ball at that point, then the countdown began the noises and bangs got louder, the colors of purples, blues, oranges and reds filled the sky and then it was midnight, I looked around and saw them kissing I saw them look into the eyes of their lover and fall into the new kiss of the new year, *laughs to self* wow that made me fell great. They all came and like tradition a kiss on the cheek a big hug and a happy new year to you... You know what, It will be. I can't be the child they see anymore, When they asked me about my resolution I answered to be myself. That's a great answer they said..... yeah we'll see.

I wish I could have been with her. Our day will come and it will be bliss. This is a new day! hehe A new day a new year a new direction.... let's go baby!