|
|
2003-12-30 - 8:50 a.m. I'm thinking where do I go? I'm starting to question the questions I was already questioning. *laughs to self* Makes sense huh? My thoughts are sinuous. My words have been I don't know. It's so hard reading her words and trying to remain strong. I keep reading over and over again the words that just they just turn my heart in so many ways. I keep reading her thoughts and her feelings and I keep thinking gee I caused that. I have this feeling inside me that makes me question myself it makes me think before actually feeling. It's strange I know and it doesn't make any sense but I never do. That's just me. I forever thought about everyone's happiness before my own. Then I find that there is such a thing and I can have it and for once I start thinking about my happiness and then there she is. Someone I can make happy and who fills me with happiness in return, then all of a sudden the one person I make happy and makes me happy is hurt by my actions, ironic huh? But dammit it felt good being happy and now that I know what it is I refuse to let it go. I do not give up once I've started something. I will not digress, I can't do that. Yes, I have grown, wow have I grown. I really don't care what anyone says, I'm continuing to grow, like I said before one never grows up, they just grow. I am not going to let this change me, I can't. I'm not giving up on her, I'm not letting her run away unless the day comes when she decides she truly doesn't want me then I won't have a choice but to go. Wow, I can't see that you see I don't see that. I don't know! I mean I'm looking at this in so many perspectives. The hurt inside of me it's unbearable. The fact that I'm still here in this house drives me up the wall. Waking up alone knowing I'm suppose to be there is fucking insane. I never knew that I could feel like that, that I was capable of feeling that. Just like I never knew I was able to love and be loved. I still read her words her journals and keep reading her doubts and I keep reading her lack of trust and ugh it kills me even though I know she's trying so hard. I really did want to be there, I did and I was ready to go. The words I write are instant feelings and emotions thoughts and ideas. They are my clutter in an already chaotic room. They are my nonsense, my brainstrom my therapy. I will not explain it any further because that is what makes a writer a writer.My bags are still packed, I haven't taken anything out at all. Well my toothbrush and my Dora towell but that's it. They're there at my door. *laughs at self* I'm strong, I'm ready to fight, I'm sooo ready to kick life's ass I really am. I'm ready to prove everyone wrong and I'm ready to show her that my feelings and my words and everything is true and that I want to be with her. I'm ready to continue growing, I mean this feeling this hurt this confusion, fuck it all! I'm taking this and turning it around, I'm using it I will not let this take me down! I FUCKING REFUSE! I refuse to let it win! NO! I'm not, I mean fuck the hurt is just it's too much and if I don't stop and take a different approach I'll break it will overcome me and I will be blinded, careless and not wanting to move on, I know that's how i was before. I'm doing my best to stay strong and sometimes this hurt seeps through that kind that makes your clutch your heart and stop for a second and tears barely come to your eyes but never quite fall. It's insane, but I have to be strong, and I am going to be. I'm not going to fuck this up, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of fucking everything up, of breaking everything I touch, I can't handle that anymore. *Deep breath* Wow, I rrrreally needed to write! None of that makes anysense all of it is really jibberish! Dude and I can keep going, but I'm not, I'm going to stop, give myself something to write about later....lol geesh it's already 9:26 lol I took a potty break hehe dammit I have to lighten up the mood. Kris, my lady, I know you say things won't be the same, you say they aren't but all I want is to make you happy, that's all I ever wanted for you. I'm not giving up. You're not going to seep through. *dreakissies* I'm still waiting, I'm going to continue to wait i've gone a whole damn day! A WHOLE DAY!! GRRRRRRR So I'm going to go wait...9:30
>
|
