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2003-12-27 - 6:51 p.m. *deep breath* Wow, my heart is heavy, my eyes can't stop tearing, my breath is shallow and useless. I heard her doubt, I heard her carelessness, and I said nothing. I read her diary and I felt it in her words. Nothing I can say will make it better. I keep thinking was that the last conversation, the last I love you, the last of everything?My bags are still packed left them there on my floor I made about ten million phone calls today in hopes to find a ride.What do you know, not one person can come. No one said a word to me, I couldn't look at them. Pulled my toothbrush out of my bag and I felt like nothing. I had no feelings inside. I shouldn't be writing here, I should be on a bus headed for columbus right now. I should be calling her from a payphone. It was all my fault. I shouldn't have been such a coward, I should of spoke up, I should have said it earlier. "Blessing in disguise" not at all. This is what I call Drea's Luck, to find something worth holding on to worth risking everything for, worth this "love" and in a matter of two hours, I may have lost it. She hasn't called since one today. I don't know what to tell her, nothing I can say can change the feeling she has at this moment. There was nothing more I wanted than to be there with her and she doubts that. I always told her I would never hurt her and I did. and what do i do? I keep digging inside me to find the right words and I can't. Drea's luck huh? I told my friend about it because she called me and she said "damn that shit only happen to you" and then I thought it happens to her. I don't know what to do, she doubts my love and I guess I gave her reason to, but I wanted nothing more than to be on that bus on my way to her. I would have never told anyone anything if she didn't mean so much to me. and now I don't know if I lost her. I'm not sure if she's given up WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO!? What do I say how come I can't fix this?! I have never felt so fucking helpless in my life. I can't stop crying anymore, and I can't make things work and kills me because I'm losing the best thing I had in my life. Everything good in my life finds a crack to seep out of and I know her life is the same way. How do I fix it, how do i show her? I feel like my words are no longer meaningful, like they won't make a difference. Sorry is an empty word, I love you is probably an empty phrase to her now. but i do. Everything and everyone I ever touched ends up falling apart and so many nights i stayed up "praying" that I wouldn't fuck this one up...I guess I'm too late...I never wanted to hang up...
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