2003-12-24 - 1:05 a.m.

I don't know if I'm ready to leave behind all that I've ever known. Being me is so hard because not one person will accept me, not even my brothers who I love terribly. What do you do when you everything you have all of a sudden disappears? What do you say, how do you go on with being you? Why am I a coward when it comes to facing them? I mean shit I can stand up to a group of people and fight for what I believe in but when they come into the picture I curl up and hide... I don't know... My heart sinks everytime I think about my life without them. The fact they'll never know my children, they'll never know where my life goes they'll never know the success I'll find in my life. They won't be there to celebrate my future children's whatever! *sigh* I know I'm young but how can I not think about it ya know?

I mean I know the love is there but the acceptance is out the window. It's just not there, and I don't know if it will hurt them or what but I do know they won't allow it. I mean they are all entitled to their own opinions and it's fine because I don't agree with a lot of the actions they take but that's their life and I accept them for who they are because that's just the kind of person I am and they aren't like that. It's just soo hard to deal with. I wish I didn't care so much but they were always there for me through everything and they were always there to pull me out of the binds I had but I guess I can't have it all.

I mean when they said that chapter of my life would come to an end I didn't think they meant that literally. I've never been so sure of my life and lost at the same time. I can't stop thinking about anything anymore, it's just this max overload that I'm not sure I can handle. But I have to, I have to learn to be stronger now and boy is it tough. *sigh* *SHAKES FISTS* Someday everything will make sense, I'll never stop growing no one ever does, so I gues you're never grown up huh? interesting concept. I need to stop thinking for a while, massive headache!